you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
