I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
