i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
