How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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