my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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