I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
