Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
