how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
