My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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