Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
the raccoons are back...
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