Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
