you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize