I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize