I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can't trust your balls anymore.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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