i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
