I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
