I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
