I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
