If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
