Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
