whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
