Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
