God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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