watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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