So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize