I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
