Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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