Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
