my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
