No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
