Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
