shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
