My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
