The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
