Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
