At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
