Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
