it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
