Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
When are your genitals available?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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