I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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