I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
