I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Come share oat with me in your robe
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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