70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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