just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's the barista slut.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
