When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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