it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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