Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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