i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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