Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
