does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
