Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
