I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
