its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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