I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Can you bring me the toilet please
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
