We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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