I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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