If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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