First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
