theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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